Thank You for Taking My List to My Other Children

Let Me Show You Love and Lessons

I know she must have heard the whispers all week, she have must have heard the prayers going up on her behalf, I knew she felt the pain that was there but still she refuse to listen. As her body slowly started to shut down, I watched her struggle, I watch this 3 pound baby somehow survive day after day despite of the odds. The odds were telling us that as of last Monday when she lost so much blood it would be hours, odds told us that when nothing was being kept down it would only be time and odds were telling us that when her breathing became ragged we need to stay close but still she fought. I believe in the end she fought for the man that was here at the Mission that recently had burry his wife without much notice, the first timer who needed to see Jesus just a little more real, the old timer who needed to know how it felt to hold a little life, for the one who needed to find peace and understanding and for the heart that didn’t think could love much more through pain and loss.

It was no surprise that we all gathered and gave our gratitude as she slowly allowed for us to say goodbye through out today. We gathered in prayer, tears and love today and took turn thanking her for the lessons that were taught. Little Naomi fought for the ones around her right up until we placed her with much love and greif into a small wooden box.

Hold Me Just a Little Longer

The Process of Saying Goodbye

I entered the house with the acknowledgment that little Naomi kept flirting with Jesus. As I entered the house to make a phone call I was surprised and overjoyed by being handed little Naomi, she has become my girl. I was trusted with the fact that she was dying and that she might leave during this time with me and would I be okay? Yes, I would be okay; me and Naomi have this running list of things I need her to tell my Sarah and such if she does decide to leave this earth. So, as we spend time together I watch her body slowly shut down. I realize now that there is limited time of holding her here and having to hand her to our Jesus and I am okay with that, because if she has to leave this earth she is going to go to Jesus being loved and with lists.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME= basket!

Still Being Loved On!

Play it Till the Whistle Blows

I got sucked into the very tale end of a “sports movie” today, I hesitated in front of the television willing give my time surly not for the sports attributes, cause ya’ll all know, I know and care about the difference in like foot ball verses soccer… but because I know all great sports movie really have nothing to do with sports at all. They usually deal with some great humanitarian issue and hi have we met. So, I am captured by the actor on scene getting into character in his seventy looking outfit playing a coach faced with a team that is dealing with devastating lost of human life. They were standing on a cemetery surrounded by the memories of six of their team members death shortly a year earlier and I don’t know how the movie climax was building up to this point but you knew that it was raw with emotion, grief, anger and differences in the struggle to deal with every day life after such a loss. He word painted this amazing picture when he talked about facing their opponents on the field that day. He explained how yes the other team runs faster, there stronger, bigger and on paper better and they know it. He looked in each person in the eyes and whispered “Do you know what they don’t have?... They don’t have heart.” He continues to paint this picture of going out to that field with everything they got in their heart, from the bottom of their toes to the top of their head. He gave a quote that resided in me past being words from a cheesy sports movie to something that crept into parts of my soul and reverberated truth- “If you lay your heart on the line until the very last whistle blows and if you truly do that, you cannot loose.” Meaning I am going to love despite the hurt, love in the hurt, love until it hurts; I get the JOY of loving no matter what. Loving one hundren percent! Yea, this world is big and bad sometimes but I am deciding right here and now that I am going to give it my all no matter what, going to give it my all until my Jesus calls me home and in that I will not lose! Going to play it till the whistle blows!

LOOK PEOPLE!

Jesus' HEART!

Princess Naomi

The Right Way to Start My Day Off

So, this morning I must declare came WAY to EARLY and my normal up, showered and dress for the day dragged herself to breakfast wearing pjs and not caring! So, I gathered my breakfast, vitamins and large glass of water and hestitated infront on the coffee pot for the first time in a long while. I had an internal conversation where I stared at it and it replied "hey baby you know you want a piece of me" then I saddly nodded but then inched past it in self control as I could again internally hear it cat calling and trying to suduce me to it's coffee goodness... yes this is what happens when you make a not morning person a morning person, they start having conversations with the coffee pot... So, I had breakfast, good conversation on mainly why my 2 pound cat really is satan recarnated for the dogs and then got busy thinking about all that had to be done mainly referring to the BOXES and BOXES of cloth littering the mess haul and the joy I got of putting them in "organized" piles... my thoughts were interrupted by the handing off of the littl Naomi the little girl from yesterday. I was surprize but over joyed she made it though the night, it was a hard night for her she is now throwing up blood but a fighter. I got to hold her for an hour, we settled into a rocking chair, I placed her against my chest and realize she so beats out a cup of coffee.

Definition of Love

So, over lunch I got the joy of holding this brand new baby girl while the designated team member to watch over this little bundle ate lunch. She is brand new to this world but not seen as making it. Her story is that her mom passed away and the Mission stepped in to make sure she would not die being alone. I held this little one in my arms and internally smiled. She has no hands and no feet and for what I was told a disfugured tongue and people she is gorgeous! In holding her for those few short minutes I got my definition of LOVE tweaked just a little more toward Jesus' definition. What kept running through my mind while I held her and watched her struggle was- “If you decide to join my Sarah and Jude in Heaven what a beautiful team of angles you guys will be!” The real definition of LOVE is in these little ones.

Loving My World!

So, as I was making my way to a seat for 7 o'clock devotions tonight, running a little late do the enjoyment of my cold shower on a stormy night... I am stopped by a question of where the rap music is coming from and can it be turned down... well it wasn't me I don't have speakers for my ipod to get in public trouble for noise quite yet... well I know where to head and it took me down stairs and had me staring into the eyes of my three boys, Den Den, John and Steven who are enjoying there new ALL boys room. I come and work on turning the music down then very much got sucked into their world. Said HI to my boys, Steven made sure that I needed to walk over to Walden’s crib and love on him. Now, with this last PT group we worked on getting big boy beds made for Den Den, John and Gimson. There only about 5 inches high and a little smaller then a twin and VERY COOL! I ended up being doggy piled by my boys and loving every minute of hearing them giggle, a couple snorts and enthusiasms about life. So, bottom line I love loving on my world any moment I get and I glad for the great joy moments because of rap music. I would not trade my world for anything!

Walden Boy!

So, recently I was asked by Walden's State side momma in how he was doing, so I decided that a cute picture was in need for all to see. Our Walden is getting big and active! He is working on breaking out of his shell of a body, he has body movement, not quite controlled but there. He works on turning his body every which way in his crib and very much cranes his neck if I walk into his terriotory and not say hi fast enough. He is a joy in my life, actually he is described to all as Joy, seeing how he tells you all about being one one Jesus' kid and fully loving every minute of it through his eyes and smile. He can totally play games with objects, enjoys being held and totally follows me through out the room with his eyes always prompting me to come give him more kisses. We got his amazing chair even more Walden style and it is nice to see him up and about. He is doing overall good but as always misses being held in certain laps!

Brand New Rides!

Grasping Hope

It has been a little over a month and a half since greif invaded my life. This month and a half has been consumed of learning how to live life without my Sarah Rou. Learning that she won't be there when I wake, won't be there to pick up and sooth my worries away or to be able to show off as what real beauty looks like in a seven pound bundle. It has been a month and a half of knowing how it feels to have your heart physically ache, a month and a half of learning not to go back to the details of that day of grief and get lost in trying to make it different. A month and an half of learning how to breath normal again.

It has been month and a half of learning what it TRULY means to grasp onto HOPE. To wrapt my little fingers in a way around my Jesus' heart in the promise of His love. Grasping onto HOPE with everything I got as this month and a half will expands into a life time away from my little girl but there is HOPE through that love I got to experience with her. On July 25th I got a perfect image of what pure love looks like when holding her for the first time and then on September 2nd when I had to hold her that one last time before having to place her in that tiny box I got a perfect glimpse of the amazing stubborn compassion that is our Jesus and the heartache He has that wrapts around this broken world. I have HOPE.

I HAVE PHYSICAL THERAPIST THIS WEEK!

Be My World

Meet My World

I salute you mom....

I bet you've all been there, you know standing in the hundle pile as a kid in the backyard or livingroom, while your once cute mother because comander of a strict army barking orders to smile and such while, and using phrases such as "so help me" and "I made you" while you and your siblings are forced to realize your related and grin and bare it toward the lens of a camera. By the end of the so called fun outing the end product has every single member looking some other way and your mother who at this point could not be any more proud... not sure if it is over not eating her young or the family portate. Well I have enter the footsteps of my mother and probably many other mothers and I salute you. I have given it one day of posting that amazing group phote where I emphaisze ALL 14 children before I get to tell you the joy of taking that...

It actually was a blast but man I love my mother just a little more, if that is possible, in trying to get us as kids to get a group shot...

So, I headed down there at 10, armed with my camera and Mary Beth another missionary who could help me. The workers were so excited about getting the kids dressed up so that took 45 minutes, then it was trying to situate 14 kids where only about 5 knew really what was going on. The ones who we all thought would be the hardest actually took there seats and waited. My little stevie decided not getting a chair first off was going to send him over the edge and he broke down in what can best be describes as a three year as their worst. So, I became my mother and probably any mother in the past where looking at the end product of that photograph 2 hours later I could not be any more proud! ALL 14 are in there, looking at the camera who cares, stevie is on my lap- SCREAMING but again I have all of them and that is AMAZING!

So yes I salute you mom!

meet ALL my children!

Hearing the Music

The first time I officially met Jimson was my summer trip in 2006, he was in his crib screaming, there was something after him that no one else could see... so I met the things that go bump in the dark for him with simple off key songs... now being here living I don't hear about his deamons very often but it does not mean music cannot play a part in his life still. I met him today before breakfast armed and ready with my ipod and cool earphone that work well with constant movement. I started off with veggie tales that soon turned into classical then got stuck on rap... it is the rythme... but mainly it is allowing him to hear the music for himself.

Finding Their Beat

I got the great joy of litterally watching my children, Den Den, Steven, John and Mary Julie, find their beat this afternoon. I was sitting at one of the picnic tables we have in our common dining area working on flash cards I would use to practice sign language when those 4 little ones came up here, were handed a musical instrument and allowed to find a rythme that fit them. It was great seeing their eyes widen, they got to hit the drums, strum away, all while Curtis led them. Being a spectaor on this little moment was amazing on my behalf. I got to see them slowly find that rythme of love in their lives and the joy in that.

My Jimson

I did it again, well I done it a total of 14 times but am introducing to you one of those numbers personally. I fell head over heels and this time it was with Jimson, eventually your get stories and names to all my kids. I met Jimson in the back of a room where he was hanging out in a space that at once used to be a closet. He is about 13 years old and in this world of labels would have "not there" "severly disabled" slapped to his forehead, in my eyes though I just saw someone who just needed a little extra personal attention, enough patience to be willing to enter his world and be okay with it. So, I took the plunge and well you better believe I would not trade it for the world. I took his crooked little hand today and led him out of that space and into my world, that or he led me into his, who knows except that he has become my walking partner, we walked around campus today and I enjoy sitting with him on the bench as he takes in everything through his filter and I get to join him.