I salute you mom....

I bet you've all been there, you know standing in the hundle pile as a kid in the backyard or livingroom, while your once cute mother because comander of a strict army barking orders to smile and such while, and using phrases such as "so help me" and "I made you" while you and your siblings are forced to realize your related and grin and bare it toward the lens of a camera. By the end of the so called fun outing the end product has every single member looking some other way and your mother who at this point could not be any more proud... not sure if it is over not eating her young or the family portate. Well I have enter the footsteps of my mother and probably many other mothers and I salute you. I have given it one day of posting that amazing group phote where I emphaisze ALL 14 children before I get to tell you the joy of taking that...

It actually was a blast but man I love my mother just a little more, if that is possible, in trying to get us as kids to get a group shot...

So, I headed down there at 10, armed with my camera and Mary Beth another missionary who could help me. The workers were so excited about getting the kids dressed up so that took 45 minutes, then it was trying to situate 14 kids where only about 5 knew really what was going on. The ones who we all thought would be the hardest actually took there seats and waited. My little stevie decided not getting a chair first off was going to send him over the edge and he broke down in what can best be describes as a three year as their worst. So, I became my mother and probably any mother in the past where looking at the end product of that photograph 2 hours later I could not be any more proud! ALL 14 are in there, looking at the camera who cares, stevie is on my lap- SCREAMING but again I have all of them and that is AMAZING!

So yes I salute you mom!

meet ALL my children!

Hearing the Music

The first time I officially met Jimson was my summer trip in 2006, he was in his crib screaming, there was something after him that no one else could see... so I met the things that go bump in the dark for him with simple off key songs... now being here living I don't hear about his deamons very often but it does not mean music cannot play a part in his life still. I met him today before breakfast armed and ready with my ipod and cool earphone that work well with constant movement. I started off with veggie tales that soon turned into classical then got stuck on rap... it is the rythme... but mainly it is allowing him to hear the music for himself.

Finding Their Beat

I got the great joy of litterally watching my children, Den Den, Steven, John and Mary Julie, find their beat this afternoon. I was sitting at one of the picnic tables we have in our common dining area working on flash cards I would use to practice sign language when those 4 little ones came up here, were handed a musical instrument and allowed to find a rythme that fit them. It was great seeing their eyes widen, they got to hit the drums, strum away, all while Curtis led them. Being a spectaor on this little moment was amazing on my behalf. I got to see them slowly find that rythme of love in their lives and the joy in that.

My Jimson

I did it again, well I done it a total of 14 times but am introducing to you one of those numbers personally. I fell head over heels and this time it was with Jimson, eventually your get stories and names to all my kids. I met Jimson in the back of a room where he was hanging out in a space that at once used to be a closet. He is about 13 years old and in this world of labels would have "not there" "severly disabled" slapped to his forehead, in my eyes though I just saw someone who just needed a little extra personal attention, enough patience to be willing to enter his world and be okay with it. So, I took the plunge and well you better believe I would not trade it for the world. I took his crooked little hand today and led him out of that space and into my world, that or he led me into his, who knows except that he has become my walking partner, we walked around campus today and I enjoy sitting with him on the bench as he takes in everything through his filter and I get to join him.

Falling Hard

Now, there was never a point of me being here in Haiti where I wasn't head over heels for the children down in Heaven's Waiting Room, there my kids, but I am learning that as each day presents itself I just keep falling for them a little harder. I am falling in love with each one of their smiles, laughs and even cries. I am enjoying those precious moments where I get to be part of their world if it is through a walk around the campus, playing with a dump truck or having them on my lap and simply smiling. I have found that real joy lies in the hands that are a little twisted, the real beat is kept my usless legs and true understanding are in the eyes that might seem distant. You want to see Jesus, give that person who is labeled not worthy the needed attention and I believe you will.

A Strange Haze

This week hit me hard in not having Sarah Rou; I have walked in a way through an emotional haze. I struggled with trying to find my footing, wondering why all of a sudden through normality playing a part in my life since Sarah’s death do I now struggle. I realized that it is through the normal rhythm of life that makes me catch my breath, the signs of her being a part of my life are few and when I do realize that I had a child in a way, three weeks of her being absent does not do it justice. I feel that it has been years that stretch between the memories of getting up every three hours, holding her and kissing the top of her forehead then having to place her still body in a tiny box. It is weird to think that is has only been two months to the day when this little life entered this big world to play such a great role in mine and all her hear her story.

Right now, I guess I am learning how to live again, and in that I was pointed out by a friend needs to involve writing out my life here again for all to continue dancing along with me to my HAPPY DANCE. So, in a way I am back, don’t worry though you have not missed much in the last week or two, I am working my way through school work for my deadline of graduating in December so- WOOHOO! Also, trying to get down on paper what I would love HWR to look like and such cause changes are going to happen this year mainly in where there going to live and such. I am excited to be able to let you all know what that will look like in the future and again thank you for being pateint and continueing with me my life here in Haiti.

A Piece of My Heart

I stared at the TV screen that was giving the most recent death count in Haiti and overall devastation from the states perspective and I realized that for once I didn’t have to imagine the pain that was happening; all I had to do was take a few steps outside the doors to see the impact for myself. I saw it in the faces of the people I have fallen in love with, it screamed at me from the little child, the grandmother, the family of 8 shifting through boards that once resembled a home. It told me their story of pain and frustration of being defenseless against the element of high wind, harsh rains and the terror as it devastated all in it path. It now screamed at me through there needs, of starvation in trying to find a meal to keep alive through what once resembled their lives, a life that before the hurricane was already marked with hardship. This was my family and my heart broke in the midst of their pain. A pain caused by the hurricanes in the past and for the knowledge that more was coming. I see there faces and it is clear that beside passing out food and supllies as a mission, I personally needed to let my family and friends in the states know my heart as well. So, thank you for just letting you come to you with a piece of my heart and HAPPY DANCE.

breathing...

So, I am coming out of the emotional woodwork to tell you that I am alive...

I still have a heart beating in my chest, it hurts but for the most part the throb of initially losing my baby girl has released its hold. There are moments where I have to catch my breath though because I swear I can hear her only to find that I am having a conversation with the wind.

My Jesus is just loving on me through who He is in nature, scripture, a small thing with fur (I'll later disclose that story) and support from family and friends. So this is where I need to tell ALL of you THANK you! I am blessed to have you all in my life and am willing to be by my side through all the highs and lows of Haiti life. I love each one of you and how you each add unique beat into my overall HAPPY DANCE! Thank you all for caring so much for me and my heart, because of that is beats just a little stronger during this time.

Jeremiah 31:13

I AM A GREAT ROLE MODEL...

To My Litttle Girl

Hey Pretty Girl,

I had to say good bye to you today, well just until Heaven and I believe there will be a hammock ready for us to rock out together. When I realized that you might have left me my heart started to break. Now, as your protector here on earth I did everything in my ability to try to save you. I rushed you straight back to Mission and into the arms of people I thought could bring you back to me. I knew though, even before they placed you back into my arms and shook there heads that you were in Heaven with my Jesus.

Now, my beautiful one I have to tell you at first I was angry about the whole thing. I was not even close to letting you go. What I am I going to do with myself if I am not up every three hours getting your bottle ready, or holding you when you cry and as always being able to kiss the top of your forehead while you drift to sleep. I just wasn’t ready and I really thought you were not either.

So, this led to guilt. I found myself struggling over my choices for the day that led up to you leaving me. I wondered if I stayed in from the storm, if I wasn’t so determine to get that document from the doctor if you would still be in my arms snoring away happily. I broke over the idea of maybe holding you to tight or missing the warning signs of you not doing well. I mean I just look down and your gone, you slipped away simply being pressed up against me.

I realize now, that you my beautiful little girl, you wouldn’t have had it any other way, you have been my kid almost from day one and you knew it. You knew that when I looked at you, I saw MY SARAH, the absolutely beautiful little girl who allowed me to be her mommy. My precious little Sarah Rou you did what you do best and that was allowing me to hold you until Jesus stepped in, I know you two are rocking out right now in that hammock until I get there.

I know you know this but for my sake I need to tell you just one more time just how much I love you! I love the fact that you showed me unconditioned love in receiving it but also showing it to others. You my little one have showed me what I am made of in Christ by having me pick you up July 25th and not putting you down until now. In all of this I understand a little now Sarah of what swells up in our Jesus’ heart when He looks upon us, He see us and we are perfect, were His and He can’t get enough of us. Every time I looked at you this last month my heart swelled with love, in you came joy in my life of living each day to the fullest despite circumstance, and pride of having you in this chapter of my life. Thank you my little Sarah Rou for being the greatest example of how Jesus loves and how we should react to it.

I need to promise you right here and now that I won’t let the pain of losing you smother out the great impact that is your life here of earth. I promise that through these tears I will continue to tell your amazing story of arriving on this earth in the face of deformity and through that becoming one of the greatest examples of love, hope and joy NO MATTER WHAT!

I have loved every moment of being your mommy and would do it again baby girl even if this day was ultimately the outcome. You will forever be my Sarah Rou, now go rock out in the arms of Jesus in that hammock and know I will be okay, I promise. I will continue dancing out my HAPPY DANCE through Christ on this earth, even more now with the rhythm you added to it. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

In Him,
Your Momma!

My Baby Girl

My beautiful little girl left me for the arms of my Jesus today. So I had to say good bye to my daughter and everything hurts at the moment. I have been blessed to be her mommy and meet so many people through her. She will forever be my girl! She has taught me so much in the short time she has been here. She taught me how to love no matter what but also to be loved no matter what. Thank you all for being part of little sarah's life, Love you all!

A Moment of Searching...

So, Sarah has been down for about 20 minutes and I figure it was safe to adventure out from our room, the little punk sometimes has a habit of allowing me to think that I can be comfortable on the other side of the campus in that chair I have been eyeing all day with a good book, when she decided to actually let me know what she is made of.

So, I find myself over in the baby orphanage. I walk in and do what I normally do, I head straight over to the little cribs, no luck, then to the big ones, over the sleeping children I am still scanning, maybe one of the workers have him, no… so in standing there I go over the mental list of where the little bugger could be hiding, all the American are counted for and they don’t have him… I am about to whip out my like 3 words of Creole and hand gesture out my question when it hits me… I won’t find him here anymore… I stand there for a second and in a way learn how to breath again and I slowly feel that familiar August 11th ache. There it was... in all my keepin busy I for got in a way how much I miss my Jude. I miss seeing smile and laugh.

So, as I stand knee deep in children but empty handed Jeremiah 31:13 floods my brain and I start to see that is wasn't being busy over the last couple weeks that brought smiles and laughter to me, it was JOY from my Jesus in watching Sarah grow, making friends over cards and finding my Jesus in the Stars while laying on a hammock. It was Him lavishing His love on me that brought me Joy despite me missing my baby boy.