Haiti 2010 and counting...

IN HER GRASP

2010-07-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today Walensky’s mother came to the Mission. She went straight to her little boy, pain and all, to hold him tight, to process the situation at hand. Today she came to be his mother, she took him home to keep him close, to be part of his world until comfort comes, to be his momma. Today I got the JOY of saying sweet goodbyes to a little boy who is now is being held tight in a mother’s love, until it hurts no more.

Sydney

2010-06-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I am late but let me just tell you about the timing in me being able to finally put words down in a coherent order. I am telling you there had to be a waiting game for a thought process to occur because at one point the closest thing I could think of for summing up the last month or so was to just copy and paste BIG God over and over. 

So yes we have a BIG God but for more detail here it is; so, I left you last time with me heading off to Kentucky on my world wind trip of great food, the ability to go through like 4 states in 8 hours, realizing how amazing people’s heart are over donated items, organizing and packing such items for the Miriam Center, deep fellowship and just the contentment of being part of this Haiti family 

Now, I arrived back in Haiti and hit the ground dancing hard. I have gotten to dance hard over expanding and flourishing programs, thriving children, land being purchased for future expansion of the Miriam Center, dreaming BIG God size dreams, the orchestration of amazing HAPPY DANCES into one rhythm over disability care in the Northwest zone, opportunities to help with disability care throughout all of Haiti, expansion to my personal HAPPY DANCE (newsletter on that coming soon ), and what is means to fully rest while going full speed in the shadow of my BIG God’s wings.

WE HAVE A BIG GOD!

BIG God x repeat=

2010-05-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

WE HAVE A BIG GOD!

Kenderson

2010-04-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

This “little” guy joined the Miriam Home this last October, his fat rolls very prominent, and we have gotten to share with him in learning in rolling over, sitting up, holding a bottle, army crawling, cracking smiles, belly laughing, growing into a very large personality and being such a JOY to all. His story though did not start in the October with the Miriam Home but last Spring. Last Spring he was brought to the Mission and presented to us as being around 14 months old and 8 pound. HE IS HUGE NOW! God worked his HAPPY DANCE out of a horrific health issues, from the Baby Orphanage to the loving arms of us in the Miriam Center. BIG God- fun dance moves.

BIG God...

2010-02-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

Take a moment and find a familiar face of someone connected through the Miriam Center and now hear me loud and clear as I say -We have a BIG God! Thank you for surrounding us with LOVE especially in the last 3 weeks. Thank you for helping me fight for my Haitian family during this even more difficult time through prayer, finical support, supplies and or amazing words of encouragement!

I have come to see that through the grief their is JOY, through the tears there is COMFORT, through the frustration their is HOPE and in it all their is a BIG God! These last 3 weeks I have been in very protective mom mode of beautiful children, outreach parents and Miriam Center workers and all the emotions that go into that. I have decided that in protective mom mode I am traveling to California February 6th to the 23rd for little over 2 weeks to do a combination of being able to tell my HAPPY DANCE in person, emotionally breath again fully and continuing to fight for my heart that will be beating back in Haiti. If you live near I expect a hug  Thank you again for everything!

My Heart

2010-01-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

Friday, I got through most of the day before the wind got knocked out of me. I just got back from my walk around 5, just turned my computer on, got comfortable and then was told that there was a lady at the gate, she says I help feed her family. I immediately started grumbling about how that is just to bad she will have to come during scheduled times and I have nothing right now. I grumbled until I saw her standing there at the gate, she didn't come last week to get the news we had no food for a while and traveled a good several hours probably by foot. The image that met me was her beautiful little 3 year old girl with a disability in her arms, her two year old holding onto her skirt, her 8 year old daughter standing near and then her beautiful 5 year old son hurdling as fast as he can into me so he could wrap his arms around me and burry his head into my stomach. She apologized about being late, she is one of my poorest moms, single with her whole family, her sick mom at home and nothing. I told her I had nothing, we have no food or money here at the Mission for this program right now. Then I looked at her little girls and held her son close to me and broke. I left and went and found everything that was edible in my room that was not jello mix, muffin mix or flaming hot cheetos. They got crackers, tuna, and a bunch of pre-made brown rice and my broken heart. She was grateful and I ache.

For Jonathan Sake

2010-01-15T01:22:00.000-08:00

I am writing right now with a heavy heart in the wake of what is happening in Haiti. I am asking for prayer. As of this afternoon the ability to provide for my Outreach program is limited due to the after mass of the earthquake. Which means come tomorrow afternoon I have to tell 30 parents that they don't get to provide for their special needs kids. They have to go back to watching their family suffer in an even more devastating time. The earthquake has affected everyone. My heart hurts but there is a reason for it, it makes me see the needs of others and figure out how to go from feeling hopeless to doing something.

For Jonathan Sake is the reason I only have 23 kids in my orphanage and I love it, it keeps kids with their parents, it shows this culture they are worth a hot meal, medical attention and love. No, these kids are not found in the mass of the devastation happening at the capitol but they are affected by it fully.Within the last week I have had to turn families away from medical help, comfort a mother holding onto the loss of her little girl this last Sunday, hold a little boy at the age of 5 being only 15 pounds and feel helpless by massive needs right outside my doorstep As I am surrounded with families that have sick kids due to their disability or starvation, I am asking for prayer to go up with a specific name tonight for Haiti. I know we have a BIG GOD!

Because of Him,

Courtney Pierce

Look at My Boy!!!- Spelling his name!!!

2009-11-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

What I am Thankful For!

2009-11-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

Hearing with the Heart

2009-11-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

So, in my organizational frenzy before I leave I have a growing pile of things that needed to be walked over to the Deaf School that recently became in partnership with the Miriam Center. So, I thought a quick trip across the street would not disturb my organizational groove. I figured I would just sneak in, place things in the corner and be on my way.

Who ever thought it was easy task to sneak into a class room of deaf children and adults was wrong, I forgot that these amazing children hear with their hearts. I got ambushed with touch and squeals, I had to give hugs and received far more then I could offer. I got to sit as they so proudly showed off the amazing changes that were happening in their classroom and lives. They showed me there new individual desk, brightly colored walls, murals, and their ability to communicate. As I was turning the corner to leave I was dragged back in by a little girl and the teacher went over to my children and ask them what their name were and each one of my children could hand spell their names! As I left, it hit me that I might still have a mountain of stuff to do before I leave Sunday but now I am just reminded of why I do the dance I do.

Little Thomas

2009-11-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday early morning Thomas our little guy that have been in lots of prayer the last couple months passed away from the pain of this world into the arms of our Maker. He got spend about 7 months on this earth and a good portion of that time in the arms of the Miriam Center in Rou's Corner. He got to for the last 3 months spend them in love, when his eyesight started to slip and things became black he got to see another world of touch. When his body started to shut down he got to spend that time in the arms of patience while the one's around him fed him by eye droppers, soothed his cries of pain and sang songs of peace. For the last 3 months I don't think there was much time that was not spent over his small body in touch in some way. Yesterday there were many tears shed for little boy here in Haiti and in the states. There was a beautiful small funeral for him yesterday, where the Mission staff and workers got to say good bye. He will missed always but is now able to actually see the face of Jesus in detail, feel with out pain and rock out in that Hammock with my name on it with my other children that went before him. Thank you for all that loved on this child through touch and prayer. Thank you for dancing with me this Haiti Dance.

From the Inside Out

2009-06-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

- Hullsong United-

The Walls Came Tumbling Down

2009-06-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Time spent here in Haiti looks different for each person, as soon as their toes hit the gravel. As for me, the Miriam Center Director, my days usually consist of paperwork, organizations, dreams and, of course, smiles from the little ones who experience a world of opportunities outside of their disabilities on a daily basis. Now that list pretty much kidnaps my time for the most part; however, for the last couple days a new player has come to town, and it has taken priority: it is simply me staring at walls and dreaming. No, they are not metaphorical walls but are actually 8-inch thick concrete walls.

I have been dreaming big about the new space the birthing center move gave to the Miriam Center and all the walls that can come tumbling down to make space for playrooms, a dining room, bedrooms and the joy that will fill it. So, as I stared for the last couple days, I calculated that it would be months ahead before I would actually smell the concrete dust and feel the vibration of the sledge hammer. As I stared, I dreamed big and waited.

This morning came, and with it I really thought the excitement in my life would be limited to the fact that I got to add an armadillo to the puppets coming in next months. I was very wrong, and I realized it when I felt the first vibration come from downstairs and saw the cloud of dust that followed. Who knew that rain days before would limit a trip for the team here and open the door to the ability to pick up a sledge hammer and just go to town on my walls? As the walls came tumbling down over the hours, a new hope grew, not just in my heart, but in the team, the workers and in the kids. In my kids, there grew an acknowledgment, as they watched sweat pour down the faces, the dust fly and doors appear that they were loved, loved in such a way that in a culture that hid these kids behind walls we worked on bringing those walls down, in gigantic concrete pieces.

During this time, I was in and out in giddy joy as they moved from room to room creating hallways, doorways and dust. I stepped over enthralled children playing with assortment of educational toys, and there sat Den Den in utter stillness, and it made me wonder. I wondered why this beautiful little boy with Spastic Cerebral Palsy was holding a small toy hammer, staring at the team members going after the walls. At first, I thought he had misplaced the rest of the toy that went to the hammer, but as I gathered the pieces for him to play with, I realized there was a greater meaning to this stillness: he was helping. In his mind, even as his crippled hands could barely grasped the hammer and his twisted frame was never in control, he too was knocking down those walls. The look on his face was the look of one freed from a disability, one that found JOY through others, and just for one moment he, too, was free from those walls in his life. So, today as those walls came tumbling down, what was built in their place was hope, joy and self confidence, especially for a little boy holding a hammer.

BIGGEST SPOON!

2009-04-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

The secret to stress my friend is the biggest spoon and how you use it. What you need to do is find the biggest spoon in the kitchen, a snack pudding and then the ability to just go town with it. I had my moment today where stress just seemed there, it was there when I woke with a headache, there over a spilled litter box, paper work, and deadlines all before 10 in the morning. So, me and my cloud of stress that was just there made our way to the big box of food hoping that would help with the eternal growling at the world and rummage through till we found the last pudding and then off to find a committed spoon. Stress was there when the only spoon available was the biggest serving spoon in the world and then my brain went “why not.” So, by the time I was done carefully getting ALL the pudding onto the big spoon then eating it in ONE bite, stress was gone because I was laughing so hard with the fact that getting the big spoon into the pudding was hard but getting it ALL into your mouth on the big spoon took everything to the next level of challenges When you drool that much and am covered in pudding you get no right to cling to stress. So, I challenge you the next time life get too much with stress beat it away with the biggest spoon you can find.

For Such a Time as This

2009-03-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

In such a time as this in Haiti it is more common then not that waking up with a hungry belly means learning to sleep with it, the best answer to the question “when is the last time your child was fed?” is “when I can,” and little boxes holding little bodies are being wept over at an unnerving rate. At such a time as this is when we need to remember truly that we have a BIG God. A BIG God that does not distant Himself from the pain of His people but allows His comfort through able bodies to be broken and poured out over the endless tears. A BIG God that allows for the able bodies to cry out in frustration but gather enough strength to rise up through the pain of starvation, neglect and unnecessary death and continue to have stubborn compassion. A BIG God that allows able bodies to love whether it is taking one more child off the street into their own growing family, holding one more mom through the pain of a still or premature birth, fighting to get medicine into the hands of those in need, holding cripple bodies or opening up a safe place for 62 more orphans. For such a time as this God allows for the able bodies to dream big about getting pregnant moms to have enough food to allow them to deliver full term, consistent meals for the little ones crippled, blind and deaf in the community, proceeding to the borders of the Northwest zone of Haiti with food and the ability to get 12 containers of food donated that will take away all worry of trying to provide for the needs we have and the ones we dream up. For such a time as this God has placed His will into the hearts of this Mission to provide comfort, stubborn compassion, love, and the ability to dream big in order to reach out and hold tight to the people of Haiti and provide the understanding to all that we serve a BIG God.

Thank You for Taking My List to My Other Children

2008-11-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

Let Me Show You Love and Lessons

2008-11-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

I know she must have heard the whispers all week, she have must have heard the prayers going up on her behalf, I knew she felt the pain that was there but still she refuse to listen. As her body slowly started to shut down, I watched her struggle, I watch this 3 pound baby somehow survive day after day despite of the odds. The odds were telling us that as of last Monday when she lost so much blood it would be hours, odds told us that when nothing was being kept down it would only be time and odds were telling us that when her breathing became ragged we need to stay close but still she fought. I believe in the end she fought for the man that was here at the Mission that recently had burry his wife without much notice, the first timer who needed to see Jesus just a little more real, the old timer who needed to know how it felt to hold a little life, for the one who needed to find peace and understanding and for the heart that didn’t think could love much more through pain and loss.

It was no surprise that we all gathered and gave our gratitude as she slowly allowed for us to say goodbye through out today. We gathered in prayer, tears and love today and took turn thanking her for the lessons that were taught. Little Naomi fought for the ones around her right up until we placed her with much love and greif into a small wooden box.

Hold Me Just a Little Longer

2008-11-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

The Process of Saying Goodbye

2008-11-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

I entered the house with the acknowledgment that little Naomi kept flirting with Jesus. As I entered the house to make a phone call I was surprised and overjoyed by being handed little Naomi, she has become my girl. I was trusted with the fact that she was dying and that she might leave during this time with me and would I be okay? Yes, I would be okay; me and Naomi have this running list of things I need her to tell my Sarah and such if she does decide to leave this earth. So, as we spend time together I watch her body slowly shut down. I realize now that there is limited time of holding her here and having to hand her to our Jesus and I am okay with that, because if she has to leave this earth she is going to go to Jesus being loved and with lists.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME= basket!

2008-10-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

Still Being Loved On!

2008-10-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

Play it Till the Whistle Blows

2008-10-31T14:49:00.002-07:00

I got sucked into the very tale end of a “sports movie” today, I hesitated in front of the television willing give my time surly not for the sports attributes, cause ya’ll all know, I know and care about the difference in like foot ball verses soccer… but because I know all great sports movie really have nothing to do with sports at all. They usually deal with some great humanitarian issue and hi have we met. So, I am captured by the actor on scene getting into character in his seventy looking outfit playing a coach faced with a team that is dealing with devastating lost of human life. They were standing on a cemetery surrounded by the memories of six of their team members death shortly a year earlier and I don’t know how the movie climax was building up to this point but you knew that it was raw with emotion, grief, anger and differences in the struggle to deal with every day life after such a loss. He word painted this amazing picture when he talked about facing their opponents on the field that day. He explained how yes the other team runs faster, there stronger, bigger and on paper better and they know it. He looked in each person in the eyes and whispered “Do you know what they don’t have?... They don’t have heart.” He continues to paint this picture of going out to that field with everything they got in their heart, from the bottom of their toes to the top of their head. He gave a quote that resided in me past being words from a cheesy sports movie to something that crept into parts of my soul and reverberated truth- “If you lay your heart on the line until the very last whistle blows and if you truly do that, you cannot loose.” Meaning I am going to love despite the hurt, love in the hurt, love until it hurts; I get the JOY of loving no matter what. Loving one hundren percent! Yea, this world is big and bad sometimes but I am deciding right here and now that I am going to give it my all no matter what, going to give it my all until my Jesus calls me home and in that I will not lose! Going to play it till the whistle blows!

LOOK PEOPLE!

2008-10-30T19:52:00.001-07:00

Jesus' HEART!

Princess Naomi

2008-10-29T06:08:00.001-07:00

The Right Way to Start My Day Off

2008-10-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I must declare came WAY to EARLY and my normal up, showered and dress for the day dragged herself to breakfast wearing pjs and not caring! So, I gathered my breakfast, vitamins and large glass of water and hestitated infront on the coffee pot for the first time in a long while. I had an internal conversation where I stared at it and it replied "hey baby you know you want a piece of me" then I saddly nodded but then inched past it in self control as I could again internally hear it cat calling and trying to suduce me to it's coffee goodness... yes this is what happens when you make a not morning person a morning person, they start having conversations with the coffee pot... So, I had breakfast, good conversation on mainly why my 2 pound cat really is satan recarnated for the dogs and then got busy thinking about all that had to be done mainly referring to the BOXES and BOXES of cloth littering the mess haul and the joy I got of putting them in "organized" piles... my thoughts were interrupted by the handing off of the littl Naomi the little girl from yesterday. I was surprize but over joyed she made it though the night, it was a hard night for her she is now throwing up blood but a fighter. I got to hold her for an hour, we settled into a rocking chair, I placed her against my chest and realize she so beats out a cup of coffee.

Definition of Love

2008-10-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

So, over lunch I got the joy of holding this brand new baby girl while the designated team member to watch over this little bundle ate lunch. She is brand new to this world but not seen as making it. Her story is that her mom passed away and the Mission stepped in to make sure she would not die being alone. I held this little one in my arms and internally smiled. She has no hands and no feet and for what I was told a disfugured tongue and people she is gorgeous! In holding her for those few short minutes I got my definition of LOVE tweaked just a little more toward Jesus' definition. What kept running through my mind while I held her and watched her struggle was- “If you decide to join my Sarah and Jude in Heaven what a beautiful team of angles you guys will be!” The real definition of LOVE is in these little ones.

Loving My World!

2008-10-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, as I was making my way to a seat for 7 o'clock devotions tonight, running a little late do the enjoyment of my cold shower on a stormy night... I am stopped by a question of where the rap music is coming from and can it be turned down... well it wasn't me I don't have speakers for my ipod to get in public trouble for noise quite yet... well I know where to head and it took me down stairs and had me staring into the eyes of my three boys, Den Den, John and Steven who are enjoying there new ALL boys room. I come and work on turning the music down then very much got sucked into their world. Said HI to my boys, Steven made sure that I needed to walk over to Walden’s crib and love on him. Now, with this last PT group we worked on getting big boy beds made for Den Den, John and Gimson. There only about 5 inches high and a little smaller then a twin and VERY COOL! I ended up being doggy piled by my boys and loving every minute of hearing them giggle, a couple snorts and enthusiasms about life. So, bottom line I love loving on my world any moment I get and I glad for the great joy moments because of rap music. I would not trade my world for anything!

Walden Boy!

2008-10-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, recently I was asked by Walden's State side momma in how he was doing, so I decided that a cute picture was in need for all to see. Our Walden is getting big and active! He is working on breaking out of his shell of a body, he has body movement, not quite controlled but there. He works on turning his body every which way in his crib and very much cranes his neck if I walk into his terriotory and not say hi fast enough. He is a joy in my life, actually he is described to all as Joy, seeing how he tells you all about being one one Jesus' kid and fully loving every minute of it through his eyes and smile. He can totally play games with objects, enjoys being held and totally follows me through out the room with his eyes always prompting me to come give him more kisses. We got his amazing chair even more Walden style and it is nice to see him up and about. He is doing overall good but as always misses being held in certain laps!

Brand New Rides!

2008-10-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

Grasping Hope

2008-10-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over a month and a half since greif invaded my life. This month and a half has been consumed of learning how to live life without my Sarah Rou. Learning that she won't be there when I wake, won't be there to pick up and sooth my worries away or to be able to show off as what real beauty looks like in a seven pound bundle. It has been a month and a half of knowing how it feels to have your heart physically ache, a month and a half of learning not to go back to the details of that day of grief and get lost in trying to make it different. A month and an half of learning how to breath normal again.

It has been month and a half of learning what it TRULY means to grasp onto HOPE. To wrapt my little fingers in a way around my Jesus' heart in the promise of His love. Grasping onto HOPE with everything I got as this month and a half will expands into a life time away from my little girl but there is HOPE through that love I got to experience with her. On July 25th I got a perfect image of what pure love looks like when holding her for the first time and then on September 2nd when I had to hold her that one last time before having to place her in that tiny box I got a perfect glimpse of the amazing stubborn compassion that is our Jesus and the heartache He has that wrapts around this broken world. I have HOPE.

I HAVE PHYSICAL THERAPIST THIS WEEK!

2008-10-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Be My World

2008-10-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

Meet My World

2008-10-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

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I salute you mom....

2008-09-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

I bet you've all been there, you know standing in the hundle pile as a kid in the backyard or livingroom, while your once cute mother because comander of a strict army barking orders to smile and such while, and using phrases such as "so help me" and "I made you" while you and your siblings are forced to realize your related and grin and bare it toward the lens of a camera. By the end of the so called fun outing the end product has every single member looking some other way and your mother who at this point could not be any more proud... not sure if it is over not eating her young or the family portate. Well I have enter the footsteps of my mother and probably many other mothers and I salute you. I have given it one day of posting that amazing group phote where I emphaisze ALL 14 children before I get to tell you the joy of taking that...

It actually was a blast but man I love my mother just a little more, if that is possible, in trying to get us as kids to get a group shot...

So, I headed down there at 10, armed with my camera and Mary Beth another missionary who could help me. The workers were so excited about getting the kids dressed up so that took 45 minutes, then it was trying to situate 14 kids where only about 5 knew really what was going on. The ones who we all thought would be the hardest actually took there seats and waited. My little stevie decided not getting a chair first off was going to send him over the edge and he broke down in what can best be describes as a three year as their worst. So, I became my mother and probably any mother in the past where looking at the end product of that photograph 2 hours later I could not be any more proud! ALL 14 are in there, looking at the camera who cares, stevie is on my lap- SCREAMING but again I have all of them and that is AMAZING!

So yes I salute you mom!

meet ALL my children!

2008-09-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hearing the Music

2008-09-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

The first time I officially met Jimson was my summer trip in 2006, he was in his crib screaming, there was something after him that no one else could see... so I met the things that go bump in the dark for him with simple off key songs... now being here living I don't hear about his deamons very often but it does not mean music cannot play a part in his life still. I met him today before breakfast armed and ready with my ipod and cool earphone that work well with constant movement. I started off with veggie tales that soon turned into classical then got stuck on rap... it is the rythme... but mainly it is allowing him to hear the music for himself.

Finding Their Beat

2008-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

I got the great joy of litterally watching my children, Den Den, Steven, John and Mary Julie, find their beat this afternoon. I was sitting at one of the picnic tables we have in our common dining area working on flash cards I would use to practice sign language when those 4 little ones came up here, were handed a musical instrument and allowed to find a rythme that fit them. It was great seeing their eyes widen, they got to hit the drums, strum away, all while Curtis led them. Being a spectaor on this little moment was amazing on my behalf. I got to see them slowly find that rythme of love in their lives and the joy in that.

My Jimson

2008-09-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

I did it again, well I done it a total of 14 times but am introducing to you one of those numbers personally. I fell head over heels and this time it was with Jimson, eventually your get stories and names to all my kids. I met Jimson in the back of a room where he was hanging out in a space that at once used to be a closet. He is about 13 years old and in this world of labels would have "not there" "severly disabled" slapped to his forehead, in my eyes though I just saw someone who just needed a little extra personal attention, enough patience to be willing to enter his world and be okay with it. So, I took the plunge and well you better believe I would not trade it for the world. I took his crooked little hand today and led him out of that space and into my world, that or he led me into his, who knows except that he has become my walking partner, we walked around campus today and I enjoy sitting with him on the bench as he takes in everything through his filter and I get to join him.

Falling Hard

2008-09-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Now, there was never a point of me being here in Haiti where I wasn't head over heels for the children down in Heaven's Waiting Room, there my kids, but I am learning that as each day presents itself I just keep falling for them a little harder. I am falling in love with each one of their smiles, laughs and even cries. I am enjoying those precious moments where I get to be part of their world if it is through a walk around the campus, playing with a dump truck or having them on my lap and simply smiling. I have found that real joy lies in the hands that are a little twisted, the real beat is kept my usless legs and true understanding are in the eyes that might seem distant. You want to see Jesus, give that person who is labeled not worthy the needed attention and I believe you will.

A Strange Haze

2008-09-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

This week hit me hard in not having Sarah Rou; I have walked in a way through an emotional haze. I struggled with trying to find my footing, wondering why all of a sudden through normality playing a part in my life since Sarah’s death do I now struggle. I realized that it is through the normal rhythm of life that makes me catch my breath, the signs of her being a part of my life are few and when I do realize that I had a child in a way, three weeks of her being absent does not do it justice. I feel that it has been years that stretch between the memories of getting up every three hours, holding her and kissing the top of her forehead then having to place her still body in a tiny box. It is weird to think that is has only been two months to the day when this little life entered this big world to play such a great role in mine and all her hear her story.

Right now, I guess I am learning how to live again, and in that I was pointed out by a friend needs to involve writing out my life here again for all to continue dancing along with me to my HAPPY DANCE. So, in a way I am back, don’t worry though you have not missed much in the last week or two, I am working my way through school work for my deadline of graduating in December so- WOOHOO! Also, trying to get down on paper what I would love HWR to look like and such cause changes are going to happen this year mainly in where there going to live and such. I am excited to be able to let you all know what that will look like in the future and again thank you for being pateint and continueing with me my life here in Haiti.

A Piece of My Heart

2008-09-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

I stared at the TV screen that was giving the most recent death count in Haiti and overall devastation from the states perspective and I realized that for once I didn’t have to imagine the pain that was happening; all I had to do was take a few steps outside the doors to see the impact for myself. I saw it in the faces of the people I have fallen in love with, it screamed at me from the little child, the grandmother, the family of 8 shifting through boards that once resembled a home. It told me their story of pain and frustration of being defenseless against the element of high wind, harsh rains and the terror as it devastated all in it path. It now screamed at me through there needs, of starvation in trying to find a meal to keep alive through what once resembled their lives, a life that before the hurricane was already marked with hardship. This was my family and my heart broke in the midst of their pain. A pain caused by the hurricanes in the past and for the knowledge that more was coming. I see there faces and it is clear that beside passing out food and supllies as a mission, I personally needed to let my family and friends in the states know my heart as well. So, thank you for just letting you come to you with a piece of my heart and HAPPY DANCE.

breathing...

2008-09-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

So, I am coming out of the emotional woodwork to tell you that I am alive...

I still have a heart beating in my chest, it hurts but for the most part the throb of initially losing my baby girl has released its hold. There are moments where I have to catch my breath though because I swear I can hear her only to find that I am having a conversation with the wind.

My Jesus is just loving on me through who He is in nature, scripture, a small thing with fur (I'll later disclose that story) and support from family and friends. So this is where I need to tell ALL of you THANK you! I am blessed to have you all in my life and am willing to be by my side through all the highs and lows of Haiti life. I love each one of you and how you each add unique beat into my overall HAPPY DANCE! Thank you all for caring so much for me and my heart, because of that is beats just a little stronger during this time.

Jeremiah 31:13

I AM A GREAT ROLE MODEL...

2008-09-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

To My Litttle Girl

2008-09-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Pretty Girl,

I had to say good bye to you today, well just until Heaven and I believe there will be a hammock ready for us to rock out together. When I realized that you might have left me my heart started to break. Now, as your protector here on earth I did everything in my ability to try to save you. I rushed you straight back to Mission and into the arms of people I thought could bring you back to me. I knew though, even before they placed you back into my arms and shook there heads that you were in Heaven with my Jesus.

Now, my beautiful one I have to tell you at first I was angry about the whole thing. I was not even close to letting you go. What I am I going to do with myself if I am not up every three hours getting your bottle ready, or holding you when you cry and as always being able to kiss the top of your forehead while you drift to sleep. I just wasn’t ready and I really thought you were not either.

So, this led to guilt. I found myself struggling over my choices for the day that led up to you leaving me. I wondered if I stayed in from the storm, if I wasn’t so determine to get that document from the doctor if you would still be in my arms snoring away happily. I broke over the idea of maybe holding you to tight or missing the warning signs of you not doing well. I mean I just look down and your gone, you slipped away simply being pressed up against me.

I realize now, that you my beautiful little girl, you wouldn’t have had it any other way, you have been my kid almost from day one and you knew it. You knew that when I looked at you, I saw MY SARAH, the absolutely beautiful little girl who allowed me to be her mommy. My precious little Sarah Rou you did what you do best and that was allowing me to hold you until Jesus stepped in, I know you two are rocking out right now in that hammock until I get there.

I know you know this but for my sake I need to tell you just one more time just how much I love you! I love the fact that you showed me unconditioned love in receiving it but also showing it to others. You my little one have showed me what I am made of in Christ by having me pick you up July 25th and not putting you down until now. In all of this I understand a little now Sarah of what swells up in our Jesus’ heart when He looks upon us, He see us and we are perfect, were His and He can’t get enough of us. Every time I looked at you this last month my heart swelled with love, in you came joy in my life of living each day to the fullest despite circumstance, and pride of having you in this chapter of my life. Thank you my little Sarah Rou for being the greatest example of how Jesus loves and how we should react to it.

I need to promise you right here and now that I won’t let the pain of losing you smother out the great impact that is your life here of earth. I promise that through these tears I will continue to tell your amazing story of arriving on this earth in the face of deformity and through that becoming one of the greatest examples of love, hope and joy NO MATTER WHAT!

I have loved every moment of being your mommy and would do it again baby girl even if this day was ultimately the outcome. You will forever be my Sarah Rou, now go rock out in the arms of Jesus in that hammock and know I will be okay, I promise. I will continue dancing out my HAPPY DANCE through Christ on this earth, even more now with the rhythm you added to it. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

In Him,
Your Momma!

My Baby Girl

2008-09-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

My beautiful little girl left me for the arms of my Jesus today. So I had to say good bye to my daughter and everything hurts at the moment. I have been blessed to be her mommy and meet so many people through her. She will forever be my girl! She has taught me so much in the short time she has been here. She taught me how to love no matter what but also to be loved no matter what. Thank you all for being part of little sarah's life, Love you all!

A Moment of Searching...

2008-09-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, Sarah has been down for about 20 minutes and I figure it was safe to adventure out from our room, the little punk sometimes has a habit of allowing me to think that I can be comfortable on the other side of the campus in that chair I have been eyeing all day with a good book, when she decided to actually let me know what she is made of.

So, I find myself over in the baby orphanage. I walk in and do what I normally do, I head straight over to the little cribs, no luck, then to the big ones, over the sleeping children I am still scanning, maybe one of the workers have him, no… so in standing there I go over the mental list of where the little bugger could be hiding, all the American are counted for and they don’t have him… I am about to whip out my like 3 words of Creole and hand gesture out my question when it hits me… I won’t find him here anymore… I stand there for a second and in a way learn how to breath again and I slowly feel that familiar August 11th ache. There it was... in all my keepin busy I for got in a way how much I miss my Jude. I miss seeing smile and laugh.

So, as I stand knee deep in children but empty handed Jeremiah 31:13 floods my brain and I start to see that is wasn't being busy over the last couple weeks that brought smiles and laughter to me, it was JOY from my Jesus in watching Sarah grow, making friends over cards and finding my Jesus in the Stars while laying on a hammock. It was Him lavishing His love on me that brought me Joy despite me missing my baby boy.

HAPPY BUTTON

2008-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Insight on me, you ready for it-

So,if any of you know me, you know the look that creeps across my face whenever HAMMOCK is mentioned in my pressence. I get that look, that one of just having your "Happy Button" hit. Now, if any of you are shaking your head at me, all I have to state is don’t knock it until you tried it! It is amazing people! So it happens that Matt stuck a beautiful hammock like 5 feet away from my door- who is a happy person? Oh, oh I am! I am!

So for the last couple weeks I have a routine down about every night where the rain doesn't chase me and Sarah away, we both get ready for bed, dressed and Sarah fed and then in one hand I have a usually fussy Sarah (not for long though) and my IPOD (my other happy button- music- usually ENYA) and we head over to pure RELAXATION! I get in and then situate Sarah in one arm and with the other get the thing rocking and with in about a minute the scene is set- I am looking up at the stars having a conversation with my Jesus about the day, listening to ENYA with a snoring Sarah next to me. Really it can't get any better then this!...yea..NO!

WHAT REAL LOVE LOOKS LIKE

2008-08-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sarah Update #1

2008-08-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

This is the first of hopefully many updates as we work toward getting Sarah Rou a Medical Visa. So the first step has began with the process of tracking down her parents and making contact. We just met with them about a hour ago, people they said YES!. Please continue pray for this process cause they need to sign the medical release and be flown to PAP to get Sarah her passport and birth certificate. What is tugging on my heart now is weather or not I should fly with them in being Sarah guardian. I am about to look into my finances because I struggle over handing off my beautiful special needs baby girl for a day, I worry about her feeding and such.

So, now that the ball on this end in Haiti is rolling I have to work on state side on finding her medical help. So yea the proces is going! Thank you both for your prayers!

In Him Always,

Courtney Pierce

MEDICAL VISA AND PRAYER!

2008-08-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!
So, I have some exciting news then backed with MAJOR need of
PRAYER! So, as you all know I have been taking care of Sarah Rou my
beautiful baby girl wh who has possible Trisomy 13 (she has not been
officially tested but multiple doctors have responded with Trisomy 13)
and with that a medical list, we are both living in Haiti. I got her
when she was 2 days old. It is seen that is she stays in Haiti
without any major medical attention (in which we cannot provide here)
she is going to die. I got permission today to start fighting to get
her a medical VISA and bring her to the states ( I live in Southern
California) for the month of December to get for sure a MRI of her
brain, and ECHO of her heart and an ultra sound of her heart and
ultimately a plan for allowing her to live to the fullness. This also
opens up getting her official medical record so finding someone to
operate on her hair lip and cleft palate later on in life is a lot
easier. So, if you can please join me in massive prayer over this
little angel, seeing how the months are ahead of us in finding right
connections hopefully a great big answers of yes. Below I am pasting
all the steps I was told I needed to follow in order for this to
succeed, if any of you have advices, or connections to medical or
ect. it would be a total blessing! Thank you all for just lettingme
come to you with this!

PASTED SECTION BELOW=

STEP 2 -
Send for the parents and have a meeting with them and T-man and
Elveus. Explain to them what you're doing - don't ever talk about
adoption with them (that's when they'll start talking about money).
Simply say you're trying to get her medical care so she can live.
Tell her without it - she will die. That sort of thing. It might
motivate the mother to actually get the ID card and she'll have to
make a trip to PAP to work on the passport.

3) Talk to T-man. He just got a medical visa for his daughter and
then he's working on one for a girl in the orphanage right now. He
can help you get started on a passport.
So - for passports you need a birth certificate and you need for one
of the parents to have an ID card. If they don't have one - then
they'll need to apply for one.

4) Medical visas are hard to get - these are the papers that you need
to really focus on right now as they are working on the passport -
1) Letter from a Hospital - it's an acceptance letter saying they are
willing to accept her free of charge. The most important part of the
letter - NO USE OF TAX OR GOVT MONEY WILL BE USED. Make sure you have
that stated somewhere in the letter.
2) If you're not going to put her in the hospital - then you need to
get the specialists who are running the tests to agree to do the
services for free or they must state a charge. YOu have to get papers
that say the tests are free and so is the service. IT has to talk
about no use of tax/govt funds. (THat's basically all the embassy
cares about that we're not sending foreigners to the states for
medical care and using USD to do it with!)
3) If you're getting grants - then you need that paper as well.
4) They're going to need a paper of "responsiblity". Let's say your
parents say they will cover all room and board for this little baby
when she comes to the states. Have them write that paper - get it
notarized and then have them include a bank statement.
5) I can write a paper on behalf of the mission.

The paper of responsiblity, the paper I write - those are easy and
gives confidence to the Embassy.

The papers that are hard to get are the ones with the tests. So work
your hardest on that - write everyone you know. Try to get any papers
you can about free tests (even if it's not exactly all the tests she
needs). WHen they see her at the Embassy - and see how bad her mouth
is - they're going to be harder on you about those papers. I know
because with Gigi they sent me back 3 times to get more papers. I
learned from that and was able to do much better with the other girls.

Also - there is a Pediatric Doctor in Port-de-Paix. He's Haitian.
Take Sara to see him and he will have to write a paper saying what is
wrong with her and that there is nothing they can do for her there in
Haiti. That if she doesn't go to the states she will die. This is
what we did.

So when it's all said and done you have these papers:
1) Paper of Responsibility for Room/Board/Traveling fees
2) Paper from the mission
3) Paper from haitian doctor
4) Paper from stateside doctor (willing to see her free of charge or
for a fee that you can prove you can cover).
5) Paper from specialists that are willing to see her
6) Paper from mother that she's giving you responisibility to make
all medical decisions for Sara. (I almost forgot about that one -
it's important too).
7) Letter of recommendation about YOU as the caregiver. Maybe Melissa
Curtice can write it and says you've been taking care of her for
months. Her writing as a medical professional about your ability to
care for this baby and her needs when she's in the states.

What you're trying to do is bombard them with papers and papers so
that even if you're missing something they see everything you have
already and might let it slide. I was missing something for Mikela
once and yet I had all these other papers and they said they felt
confident enough to let her go with me. You might want to write a
letter too about how she has changed your life - etc. Again - the
more papers the better.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2008-08-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

The simple tune to the classic birthday song ran through my head… well it was like someone snuck in a hit repeat without my okay but either way I found my self humming it from the hours of 9:30 at night to 6 this morning as I held, soothed and explained to Sarah that it was really okay if she wanted to embrace sleep. This simple tune took the edge off not having any sleep at 6:30 when life around the campus was coming to life and Sarah was dead a sleep in my arms. I realized that simple tune had great meaning today… my Sarah Rou is ONE MONTH OLD! So, instead of waiting a year to celebrate the life of my Sarah I am going to do it in months and if it needed even in weeks or days. So, in this HAPPY BIRTHDAY baby girl!

Meeting the Family

2008-08-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

So my bedroom has over the last couple days has been torn apart, shelves have been put in, painted, reorganized, and has slowly become a bedroom for me, a nursery for Sarah, my office and the Handicap depot and people it is only 10 by 6 (Martha Steward has nothing on me and my ability to organize) So, in this process I have made havoc with the porch section in front of my room, I have had every item I have owned, personal, books, toys, crafts, ect. spread out. It looks like I could be having a garage sale.

So, I am running back and forth in an organization frenzy today when I hear a familiar noise, my name is gargled out and quickly followed by car. I peer over the side of the railing down to the court yard below to see my Den Den peering up at me with a big ear to ear grin. Now, I realize that my little secret that I have a trunk load of Tonka type trucks has been leaked. He continues to repeat “car” in hope that I am hooked. I relent into that beautiful smile of him and figure having him up here won’t delay much. So he come clambering up the stairs to the best of his ability. I am almost out of the woods when the little punk hollers down to his friends ( I amply have named him, john and Sten the 3 Musketeers) and yep there you go all 3 (including my one girl Mary Julie) come clambering out, well my thought process quickly went from organization queen to crowd control, they love boxes and the process of empting them (grrrrrr!)

Well, I finally get all four over to my patio and promptly tell them I need to finish organizing they can find something they like and play for the time being. All but one follow heed, they break out there favorite toys and go to town. The only one who is flopping over to my doorway hollering at me is my Den Den. I proceeded to tell him that I need to get organized and that his favorite Trucks were in the giant bin next to the stairs and he simply ignores me. “Den Den there is no toys in there.” Does he listen? Nope, he continues to point and holler at something. “Den Den the only thing in there is baby Sarah”… that is quickly followed by his excited “Yep Yep!” I stared at him and his constant movement of life and then very slowly ask… “Den Den do you want me to get you baby Sarah.”… “Yep” a smile explodes across his face. I slowly gathered Sarah in my arms and apologized for any sudden movement she might experience, reach down and place her in Den Dens lap… his movement was stilled by Sarah’s 7 pound form, he just stares down at her and smiles. I then realize that he was a proud older brother in a way and simply needed me to recognize that. As I placed Sarah back in the crib I heard Den Den mutter “Love you ‘arah” then very quickly followed by him reaching for a truck.

This Is So Cool!

2008-08-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

So I think you would appreciate this in seeing just how big our God is here in Haiti and the affect of that has to the rest of the world. So, ealier this week Vicki one of our nurses wrote Mellissa here in Haiti that she thinks she found what geneitic disoder my Sarah has and in that I was given the name Trisomy 13. I did much research and wow it fits and in that got ahold of a couple website one in particular and introduced to ourselve. Within a day I was asked to join there support group online and tell Sarah's story to the other members. So in a simple email I introduced her to the world and with in the hour my mailbox was completely full of love and advice. I was asked by one lady who works with a organization for parents who have children with disorders if she could send sarah a carepacket and WOW in the last email she said besides just sending me a box of some cute cloths, medication and pacifiers if I would go onto this website and see if there is any thing else that is needed. Boxes of equipment have already started its process of making it here to Haiti. Our GOD is HUGE even for the little ones among us and that keeps just blowing my mind. So I thought that through the every day life of Haiti these little moments should be shared.

It’s so pretty…

2008-08-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

I write this and that giddy smile still threatens to invade my face… people I have just met my object of love… that’s right I’m in love people… now before you all get overly excited let me put a name to this new infatuation of mine… FOUR WHEELING! That’s right baby! In love! I, Courtney Pierce got to experience going on a four wheeler for the first time… then driving a four wheeler all by myself and what tops it all off is that it is in HAITI- YEEHAW! It is so pretty!... did i mention fast too...

Finding Answers

2008-08-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I stared at the page in front of me, then back to the hand written scribbled name on a folded napkin, could this be right, I start at the many medical opinions and just sat in a world of the unknown. I quickly hit delete and type out the name again , nope it was correct first time as the same page blinked at me in confusion. I slowly dragged my mouse over the first of many websites, as I clicked the words, Trisomy 13 burned its place on my computer memory.

What led up to this moment of confusion was a series of events, the big one was when this un named baby girl not even cleaned from birth showed up at the mission here in Haiti on July 23rd in un wanting hands due to her disfigurements. She was born with a cleft lip, cleft palate, extra digits, a un developed right eye, crippled hands and a wonderful ability to turn purple. She was quickly named Sarah Rou and even more quickly fallen in love with. In all of this she was passed off to a new type of family one made up of hearts near and far that were beyond ready to fight for her.

As she became a part of the mission family, answer started to be sought trying to connect her many disfigurement to a possible medical name. Pictures were taken and many state doctors were talked to until an answer slowly arrived. I was simply told that Sarah had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 13, but I soon realized that there was nothing simply about that disorder at all. Those simple words were what placed me in a foreign world of big scary adjectives such as not compatible to life.

I swam in this scary world for hours while Sarah slept nosily on my lap until I found a bit of dry land to cling to while searching a particular site called www.livingwithtrisomy13.com The scary adjectives were still there but so was hope for support and understanding. I accessed knowledge through emailing away my frustrations in hope for some type of reply.

Not even a day passed before me and my little girl Sarah were adopted into this new family of parents who had or have a child with this disease. I was ushered with open arms into an online support group where our story were shared and my email box became instantly full from responses of love. Through the scary adjectives of Trisomy 13 I saw people living to the fullness with what they have. I saw love that was bigger then the threat of death and for some still there and growing through death.

So, my little Sarah has been in my life for 26 days at 6.5 ounces and at 20 inches long. She has so far beat the one statistic that claims that most don’t make it past a week. With her in my life I know for a fact that my life hasn’t been the same since. My little angel has me wrapped around my finger, no complaint on my side though even through broken nights, rough feeding and health reasons, she is my girl. She loves to cuddle, sleep right across my stomach at night and just be held.

Through Sarah since her birth I have seen amazing individual come out of the wood work and do amazing things through prayer, support and even the last minute dashing to the store to pick up needed items or having local a hospital donate certain needed items that were shipped to me. Whether or not it is realized by these individual are totally being used by our God in BIG ways. So, weather or not my Sarah makes it, it is not what will be burned into my heart, but the simple understanding of how big our God is through such a little forms and just all the hearts that are forever touched.

Mild Stone

2008-08-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Well would you take a look at that, it has been 30 days since my departure from the states to Haiti. 30 days of my new life here, where I have learned to find my HAPPY DANCE beat in laughter, love, friends, faith, new understanding and a BIG God. 30 days in keeping that beat through frustration, lost, anger and sadness. It has been 30 days and I can tell you that there is nothing that can ever be given to me to ever exchange those 30 days here in Haiti and the days to come. It is 30 days that I cherish oh so much! Thanks for making it this far with me.

Mini Vacation

2008-08-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

So, me, Sarah, and 5 others here from the mission decided due to the lack of electricity, water and over abundance of heat and humidity that a mini vacation was needed. So, plans to go out to the Far West to visit with Curtis and Danielle at their mission next to a beautiful beach and nice whether were put into action. Our original plan was to be gone from Thursday to Saturday but that got changed to Friday. So, Friday morning we headed off, I had Sarah in another fun wrap sitting in cab. We arrived to nice weather, a little gloomy but not to bad. The rest of the day played out as we had lunch, me finding the most comfortable rocker and just refusing to move, and then making and eating an amazing dinner. We had fun being in each others presence and went to bed under a stormy sky and the great threat of a tropical storm. I toughed it out in my tent with Sarah against the really strong winds till 5 and then it won and I retreated to a couch. We woke in the morning to the fear of being flooded in so had to cut the adventure to an amazing, pretty beach for what I hear to another time and headed home. It was a fun relaxing time and the first overnight trip Sarah and I have experienced together, and we both survived.

Oh, If You Could Have Seen Us

2008-08-13T08:44:00.001-07:00

Who knew that this quiet Wednesday morning would turn into something that needed to be written down in the memory book. So, in this quiet morning I am asked by Matt, if I wanted to go to the local market and explore. Now, not knowing what “explore” all entailed I simply said yes then remember to look down at the little bundle that was happily using me as a pillow and in that wondered what to do with her. I busied myself for the next 15 minutes finding the appropriate baby wrap and then using all my patients in following directions. The end result was comical but useful so we proceeded out the mission gates toward quite an adventure. The walk is about 45 minutes- ish but I wouldn’t really know we used a Tap Tap. A Tap Tap is there form of Taxi but totally out does New York style taxis hand down. They are pick up trucks with a wrap around bench if you’re lucky. So, we climbed aboard and headed toward the market. This market peaks it face out every Wednesday and Saturday and it is like a swap meet type style. People show up at the river bank selling everything, it is in a way there Walmart. So, on this adventure I bought a diaper pail (cause thank you very much I am conquering cloth diapers) and a rad mosquito net tent for Sarah that zips her in safe from what I like to label “Flying Death.” So, on the way back is when the memory book needed to be quacked open, I Courtney Pierce now mind you with Sarah Rough wrapped to my chest hopped on the back of a Moped and headed back to the mission. Only in Haiti is what pops into my head every time I retail the story of me on a Moped with not even a month old baby. Oh, if only you could have seen us, it was quite an adventure.

Invasion

2008-08-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

The pain of lost is still very raw as I avoid the baby orphanage because of an empty crib but I am noticing something in the pain. I am noticing joy; it starts off very subtle, hovering around simple tasks. It slowly invades my time with Sarah as she snores noisily in my arms, down in Heaven’s Waiting Room having me ask to give kisses and watching my Den Den flop into my lap and lower his head so I can lavish kisses and seeing John and Steven wait patiently for there turn. It is seeing Walden fight in his crippled body for my attention and in the accomplishment, seeing his eyes light up. It invades my quiet times and the understanding that I have a big God. It invades the times of playing cards with the others missionaries and knowing I couldn’t ask for a better family while I am away from mine. Now, tears still come but out of selfish motivation of simply wanting my Jude here not in the arms of my Jesus. As Jude is being held by my Jesus I am convinced he is being sung “Hey Jude” … probably not as off key… and in that the JOY invades.

I’ll convert their weeping into laughter, lavishing comfort, invading their grief with JOY!
Jeremiah 31:13

Simply Learning

2008-08-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

I simply learned how to say hello to Jilmar (very soon to be nicknamed Jude) March 22nd 2008. I learned how to love him for all 8 pounds that he was at a month and a half old. For the two and a half weeks I was there in the Spring I learned very quickly that he was going to be my kid. He had Down syndrome and a list of other ailments but in it all we simply learned to live. In the months that followed I learned how to brag about my baby boy back in the states and wait patiently when he would only live a building away from me not a “how is he?” through email. July 19th hit and he was back in my arms now at six months old. We learned how to simply be in each others presence while I did homework and he played on the play mat. I simply learned to love even more my baby boy.

Today I had to simply learn how to say goodbye to my Jude. I learned that in that moment of being told that I couldn’t go pick him up anymore when I just wanted to relax, that I couldn’t watch him roll over or smile, my words fell short but the pain didn’t. Today was a blur, somewhere between me just crying and if any of you know me, deep cleaning something I got to go and say goodbye one more time to my baby boy. I got to simply hold him and quietly hum “Hey Jude” as they did the funeral preparation around us. I simply to learned to love no matter what the outcome may look like, even if there is pain involved. I simply learned. .

Remembering to Simply Remember

2008-08-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and I am trying to find understanding to present my day through words but really there is a lack of need to go fully in depth. Today in one aspect was draining, I was emotionally exhausted from a single event that left me reeling and eventually curled up in a fetal position for an hour with Sarah to just distress. In this single moment of frustrated pain of looking back at it in reflection I realize that I can not forget to remember the small victories that occurred today.

Victory number one comes to us in a little over six pounds who is now a week past being told would not make it and two weeks past fighting hard to enter the world. Miss Sarah Rou is two weeks old, and already has the ability to have you fall head over heels for her, suck like crazy on your finger and know that human touch is exactly what she needs. Through her I have learned to truly love and give all to God, become a human pacifier and a body pillow for all hours of the night and comforts.

The second one is watching my little guy Walden who lives down in Heaven’s Waiting Room and I originally fell in love with summer of 2006 find his ability to become un trapped from his body. I had him on my lap today and he is slumped on top of me due to his inability to move his arms, legs or hold up head very much. He has gathered movement over the last couple years but always out of control. His body does not line up with his mind but through it all he has an amazing smile of recognition. I am holding up this cloth block in front of him today and telling him to grab it. I keep it in his line of site and just keep him interacting with it. His hand is all over the place but suddenly he is touching the block. I give a holler of praise and see if this was on purpose, sure thing he is connecting his twisted hand to the block time after time. Also, in this I am also able to talk to him and he answers in the noises of trying to respond. He is my boy and he is breaking out of his entrapment one movement at a time.

So, as today was a day to find enjoyment and victory in the small things of life.

Remembering to Look Up

2008-08-03T20:47:00.001-07:00

It was becoming a normal routine… me in my cut off green sweat pants and oversize sleeping shirt gingerly making my way up the stairs from my living corridor with a flashlight in one hand and the curled up form of Sarah in the other. I inched myself down the dark pathway to my destination as the sounds of my team members reminded me that they lay peacefully in oblivious to our situation. The only light that lit the pure darkness was my sad excuse of a flashlight and the dull green light of my watch reminding me that it was 2:30 in the morning again and this was happening once more. I finally found the door in which I needed, knocked a couple times and waited for the groggy hello and questions of what’s going on.

I presented Sarah and explained that after the normal feeding at 2 this morning she wouldn’t stop crying, then she did suddenly and it was due to her amazing ability to just stop breathing. She instantly came back to me but not without concern on my part, she was wheezing and miserable and I needed someone to figure out what normality looked on her part. I needed to know if it was normal for her to become listless and then agitated. I needed to make sure that everything that could be done was. It was allowed for all my questions to be asked and frustrations be talked through. Sarah’s tube was resituated, lungs checked, along with blood oxygen level. The bottom line was that I had a sick baby and the scary unhealthy ways, were in a way a normal ordeal, it was all a waiting game.

So, here I am with this 6 pound sick baby in one hand and an extremely heavy heart. I am walking up the path way toward my room and just frustrated. Frustrated for her pain, frustrated for my inability to do much more then hold her and a little frustrated toward God in wondering where He is in all of this. So as I am walking toward my room surrounded by my frustration and I happen to glance up. This small moment of my head toward the sky takes my breath away. In the darkness that is Haiti, the sky above me it lit up by thousands of stars. Never in all the trips of holding my sick little girl and in all my frustrations have had had I noticed this beautiful presentation of God’s beauty through the night sky. I realized then that my the problem was not God in His absence cause He is here, it is in me not simply looking up and seeing Him.

It hits me that in life’s frustration and such we often forget to simply look up. Look up past our own frustrations, look up past the here and now, just look up and see our God who is so passionate about us. So passionate that He does the little things for us, in my case give me a magnificent night sky that just reminds me of just how BIG my God is. All we need to do is simply look up.

Enjoying these rare moments...

2008-07-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

So I got the great joy to be part of this rare moment in the lives of one of my little one's in Heaven's Waiting Room. I am organizing toys that were brought in for them for developmental use and I had Den Den a little boy up with me who has cerebral palsy and has little to none fine motor skills. He was enjoying the process of seeing all the toys I have. Were having fun touching the play dough and stringing up the beads and we get to the bag of cars and I see his face light up. He dumps them out and they are all shapes and sizes and he is getting his kicks because a couple makes noise. So in having his attention I grab this blue police car and push a small lever and the car takes off about 3 feet, and lights up. Oh you should have seen the look on Den Den's face. He clapped for joy and pulled himself over to it. So, I am about to get to me feet to walk over and push the lever cause there is no way he can push it himself where I get a glimpse of one overcoming hard circumstances and soaring. Den Den with out losing a beat knocks the car in front of himself with his uncontrolled hands, then when everything is lined up gets his toes and pushes the button by using his feet. It was rad! he does this about 20 times, pushes it with his toes, watched is take off, laugh and then drag himself over to it where he does it all again. In the end I watch him and his new found favorite toy go over to the gate where he hollers down to his two buddies John and Stephen about this amazing thing he want to share. So in the end by bag of cars have one less car but the laughter of Den Den and his buddies from Heaven's Waiting Room can be heard as the siren sounds.

What a Fighter!

2008-07-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

I heard her story way before I got the chance to hold her for the first time. Her story was heartbreaking and she had only been in the world for less then a day. She was born about 7 hours away from the compound up in the hills into a family with 4 other kids. She was born disfigured, part of her upper lip was missing, she had no inside top roof of her mouth and she had extra fingers. She was labeled cursed and was brought to our door step to be fixed or hidden. They didn't want her unless she was made perfect and they didn't refer to her as human but a item of some sort. When surgery wasn't an option seeing how she was barely 2 days old they informed us that she would be killed by their hands or their village if we didn't keep her. I went and found Heather who is one of the big dogs here and asked that if she was kept by us and seeing how I am here for a year if I could help take care of her. I was told yes and plans were made. This arrangement gives her the one on one attention she needs and keeps her immune system protected. The parents signed her over and I gave her a name. As of last night she spent the first of many, many night with me. She has special needs seeing how she can't use a bottle, has fluids in her lungs and overall being only 2 days old. I learned how to tube feed her. Her name everyone is Sarah Rou and she is beautiful!

Let me tell you about my week, then about my God!

2008-07-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, let me tell you about my week, it started about the week before I am ready to leave on the 18th and I am running non stop and I got really sick. I am notified through email that my mentor Jodie who I will be working under in Haiti is extremely sick and needs to be flown back to the states. So, the night before the morning of my flight, I'm exhausted to the point of non functioning. I collapse onto my bed with four un packed bags and about nine hours to go and I am woken by the sounds of frustration, the airlines have limited my ability to bring bags to only two. So the next day I am a exhausted traveler on the way for a 2 day journey to Haiti with one months supply of clothing for at least 5 months. I arrive to Haiti after a 7 hour bus ride on the back seat that is not connected to anything. Arriving sore I am greeted with no place to really call my own for the next month and my suitcase of clothes that I left in the Spring that would help me get to December is moldy.

So that is my week, now let me tell you about my God. My God is amazing, He took a very broken, tired and scared person and gave comfort by taking control. My God provided me with family and friends who were up till 3 o’clock in the morning of my departure packing my bags, calling the airport and making sure I was okay. They were there making sure I knew I were be loved and knowing I would be missed. My God provided me with a couch in air-condition and new faces and story to meet while in Haiti. He provided me with a couple baggy shirts and encouragement. He provided me with Haitian lady’s who can scare mold out of everything. My God provided me with my six month Jude who can totally roll over and hold his head up and the best thin is smile and laugh. My God provided me with His promise to love me and hold me and protect me. My God is in control even if I can’t see it. A friend once told me, if “If I can’t hold onto My Jesus there isn’t much to live for.” I’ve got my faith! I thank you all for getting me this far and then staying with me for this journey. I am not sure what’s in store but again I got my Jesus.